


Awake (Kim Seokjin x Reader)

by JustMattie



Category: K-pop, Kim Seokjin - Fandom, bts, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2018-12-10 09:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11688477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustMattie/pseuds/JustMattie
Summary: in which kim seokjin falls off the deepend of stardom; mixed up with the wrong crowd, bad press, depressed. in which you meet kim seokjin and try to wake him up to reality in order to stop his downward spiral. ~





	1. Important Information / Reading Playlist

Please read this in its entirety:

1\. This book has mild mentions of suicidial thoughts, anxiety, depression, and serious illness. It's nothing crazy or anything, but it is a part of the story, so please please read at your own risk. If you think any of these topics will be triggering for you, I advise you not to read this x reader, and to check out one of my other ones. 

2\. If this story seems vaguely familiar and you've been following me for a while (and read my other works) it's because this story was inspired by another work of mine, "If He Knew then." 

3\. Bangtan does exist in this story. 

4\. Lower case in this story is intended. 

5\. I will not have an update schedule. My main focus is on Youth (Jung Hoseok x Reader), but since I already have a huge outline for this story, I figure updates will come at a relatively fast pace. 

6\. THANK YOU FOR CLICKING AND READING!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D If you're new here, go check out my Min Yoongi x Reader "Bad For Me" as its already completed! 

 

reading playlist

come a little closer- cage the elephant

wiped out! - the neighbourhood

not today - imagine dragons

magnetised (acoustic) - tom odell

blood letting - blood warrior

the shade (acoustic) - metric

circles - the young romans

somehow - tom odell

black flies - ben howard

for my help - hayden calnin

teen angst - m83

oblivion - bastille

count me in - early winters

shooting the moon- ok go

roslyn - bon iver

speak up - pop etc

cold - aqualung, lucy schwartz 

sirens - tom odell

thieves - the beach

don't forget about me - cloves

golden love - midnight youth

coffee - sylvan esso

stubborn love - the lumineers

i wanna be yours - arctic monkeys

holiest - glass animals, tei shi

all we do - oh wonder

heads up - warpaint

terrible things - the ready set

arcadia - the kite string tangle

lonely again - gnash


	2. i can never fly

01\. i can never fly

now

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why are you calling me at midnight?" you mumbled into your phone, irritated at the fact you'd just been woken from a deep sleep. You had desperately needed that sleep, now more than ever. 

"You know I wouldn't have called this late if it wasn't important," he said on the other end of the line, sounding incredibly coherent and awake.

"Then what's so important that you just woke me up?"

"We can't find Jin."

You sat up in your bed then, your eyes wide as your heartbeat rapidly accelerated.

"What do you mean you can't find Jin?"

Silence beckoned at you. And then thundered rumbled outside.

"Jimin, talk to me. What do you mean you can't find Jin?" you coaxed the younger boy, silently willing him to answer you, to put your mind at some kind of ease. Because right now, icy anxiety was coating your veins.

"Another news story broke about his behavior and appearance, and it really upset Yoongi. They got in a huge fight, a screaming match, really. Jin ran out of the dorms angry and emotional, and it honestly scared me. I've never seen him like that before. So, I called Namjoon for help, and it concerned him too. Now everyone knows and we're all worried...Even Yoongi. He's been so all over the place and unpredictable lately...Some of us were hoping that maybe he went to you..." Jimin trailed off, his voice shaky and full of blatant worry.

"Why did you think he'd come to me?"

"Because you guys used to be close." Your chest was overwhelmed with pain; whether it was sadness or regret was unclear to you.

"That was a long time ago, Jimin," you sighed, massaging your temples with your free hand.

"But at this point, he has nowhere else to go. It was a valid assumption," Jimin sighed on the other end of the line, his voice lacking hope.

"How long ago did he leave?"

"I'm not sure. A few hours maybe. Do you have any idea where he might have gone?"

You considered the question for a moment, your mind racing through various places you'd been with Jin in the past. You bit your lip, the pressure of trying to remember a place he might run to getting to you.

"Maybe downtown?" you offered, "There are a lot of places he used to hang out around there. Also, what about 5th street? He once told me that he likes write songs there."

"Hmm okay. Thanks, Y/N. We're going to go looking now."

"Wait," you managed before Jimin hung up.

"Yeah?"

"I want to help. I'm not going to be able to sleep now, anyway. I'll go downtown, alright? Let me know if you find anything before I do."

"I will."

So, you left the warmth and comfort of your bed at 12:04 AM, the idea of Jin alone and sad somewhere enough to persuade you to get dressed and leave your apartment that late. You didn't bother to mess with your hair, you only focused on hastily putting on your shoes.

I'm coming, Jin. Please wait a little longer.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jin

He sat on the stone bridge, the one that had been there for many years, and the one that he had crossed many times. Beneath the bridge lay a beautiful, glistening river, but he was sure that the water was absolutely freezing that time of year. He let his feet dangle over the side, looking out into the distance at the few buildings of downtown, sighing. It was a nice sight, even at night, and even in all the fog and rain.

He took the time to consider everything then, as the rain was pouring down on top of him. He thought about the money and the fame, and how it no longer brought him any pleasure. He thought of his brothers in Bangtan, and how he was only creating bad press for them now. He thought of his family to which he was now estranged. And briefly, but only briefly, he thought of you.

He thought of the way your face used to light up with a smile in the summertime, when the two of you would ride bikes together. He thought of the way you would always share your popcorn with him at the movies when he didn't have enough money to buy any of his own. He thought about you defended him against those at schools, how you deflected their words of hate to protect him. He thought about how you had always unconditionally taken care of him, when nobody else would.

But then he thought about everything he had done since then, and how he had ruined all of that long ago. The wounds were deep, and he was to blame.

The idea that life was now a complete waste was compelling to him. It was a cheap lie; one that he had fabricated inside of his mind, one that he was practically forcing himself to believe because he didn't know what else to do. He didn't know how to change. He didn't even know if he wanted to change.

His mind spun in circles as he considered everything again, bad thoughts overwhelming his conscience. He didn't even mind that the rain had completely soaked through his sweater, and that he was freezing cold. He breathed deeply, gazing at the lights of downtown.

But before he could decide his fate, there was a voice that disrupted his detrimental pattern of thinking.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You

"What are you doing?!" You exclaimed from the sidewalk below, your eyes practically bulging out of your head at the sight of Jin being so incredibly carless.

"Hi, Y/N," he smiled, but it was fake. You had known him for too long to be fooled by his facades and false fronts. And you couldn't help but notice how his cheeks looked sunken in and his complexion was uneven. He almost looked sickly, and much different than when you had last seen him. You had read some crazy news stories about him in the past few months, but you didn't realize how much truth those stories actually consisted of.

"What are you doing?" you asked him again, your voice firmer than it was before.

"How did you know I was here?" he asked, ignoring your question as he turned his face to look back out across the river. You wiped your face, the rain making it hard for you to see clearly.

"Jimin called because he was worried sick about you. And so is everyone else, for that matter."

"That brat," Jin snickered. You scoffed.

"He loves you, Jin. They all do. Why are you acting like this?"

"Why do you care?" he smirked, "Baby, I'm nothing more than just another washed-up pop star."

You stared at him in disbelief for a moment before you could conjure up a response. "We both know that this is just your way of lashing out at the world, and that this isn't who you really are."

Jin's smug attitude and fake smiles seeming disappeared in that moment, almost appearing threatened and bothered by your presence. You narrowed your eyes at him, your entire body language communicating clear concern.

"Stop looking at me like that," he grumbled, turning away from you again.

"Like what?" you blinked, caught off guard by his sudden change in tone.

"Like I'm broken. Stop looking at me like I'm broken," he clarified, his voice sharper and colder than the wind that was cutting through both of your clothes. The rain wasn't letting up, either.

"Jin, I don't-"

He wouldn't let you finish. "You can't fix me, Y/N, no matter how much you may want to," he turned to face you then, his lips in a hard line, the light that you once saw in his eyes completely gone. "I mean it."

But, you just couldn't take that. You didn't buy the act he was putting on, the front he was putting up. "And why is that?" you were challenging him now, and it was clear that he hated it. You took a step closer to where he was sitting on the edge. "Is it because you're scared of what you'll be without the fame and the money and the sadness?"

"Stop," he said lowly, his voice full of warning.

"Why are you so afraid of yourself now? You weren't always like this," you continued on anyway.

"I'm not who I used to be. Stop."

"Wake up, Jin. This isn't you," you pressed again, wanting to break down the clear emotional wall that he had put up. But, that backfired. You pushed him too far.

"I want this all to be over," he said flatly then, resolve in his voice.

"Jin, what are you-"

"It doesn't matter, anyway."

"Jin-"

"They'll be happier."

"Stop-"

"I mean, I wasn't even enough for you," he chuckled in a sickening manner then, "How can you argue with me on that one? You can't," he made true eye contact with you then.

"Why are you doing this?" you struggled to understand, to fully grasp where Jin's mind was really at. "Get down from there before something bad happens."

"Maybe I want something bad to happen."

Another crack of thunder and lightning shocked you both, Jin moving from fear had put him dangerously close to the edge.

"Jin, be careful! Please, just come down and we'll talk about all of this, okay?" You were getting scared now, but it was too late to call for help. It was just you and him now, in the middle of the night, in the middle of the storm.

"I can't do this anymore."

"It's not too late, Jin, please don't give up yet!" You were yelling now, the sound of the thunder and all the rain drowning you out and carrying your voice away.

Jin continue to ignore you. "But it is too late."

But he was still hesitating, clearly debating things within his own mind. You had a small window of opportunity, and you took it.

You frantically reached out, clawing for a fistful of his black sweater, mustering up all the strength you could to pull him back. The rain was beating down on both of you, so much so, that neither of you could see clearly. Jin fought against you, screaming at you now. You secured your arms around his waist, and hastily tried to pull him completely off the side. This effectively ended up making both of you fall on the ground, Jin falling on top of you as you still had your arms tightly latched around him.

"Let go of me!" he wailed, screaming, and now crying, and thrashing around in your arms. You sat up, pushing him into a sitting position as well as you struggled to keep your hold on him. You were scared to let him go, scared to see what he would do if you weren't holding him back. He continued to struggle against you, but it was basically useless at that point. The front of you was pressed against his back, your arms still firmly around his waist; hugging him from behind.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?!" you screamed back at him.

"Because I don't want any of this anymore!" he was crying then, loud enough for you to hear over the storm. He was still struggling against you, but there was no energy behind it anymore.

"Just calm down for now. We'll figure this out together, just please, calm down," you begged him, your cheek pressed against his back, the wet fabric of his sweater. He stopped thrashing then, defeat clear as he slumped against you, giving up.

"Why do you even care? After everything I did to you, why do you still care?" the words no longer had an edge to them. He was sobbing.

You moved your arms up slightly, trying to make him feel more secure as the sobs wracked uncomfortably throughout his body.

"Just because I'm angry doesn't mean that I don't care about you anymore."

To that, Jin seemingly couldn't muster up a response. He just allowed you to hold him while he cried, the rain sending cold shivers throughout the both of you. You didn't know how much time passed. You didn't how long it was before you finally broke out of the semi-trance you were in, concentrating on holding him together.

"We need to get out of the rain, Jin. Okay?" you asked, slowly retreating your arms from their place around him. He seemed to panic slightly then, overwhelmed.

"I can't go back. Not yet." The desperation and the fear in his voice was clear, and you just couldn't argue with him. You were quiet for a moment, trying to come up with an alternative that would be the best for him.

"How about a cup of coffee, then? Can we do that?" you offered, and he sighed out of relief.

"Okay," he complied then as you stood, offering a hand to help pull him up as well. He looked at you for a moment with an emotion that you didn't recognize, his body momentarily swaying slightly as if he wanted to take a step toward you. He didn't, though.

"There's a 24-Hour coffee house that isn't too far."

"Lead the way."

/////

And so you lead a broken, and tattered, and rain-soaked Jin to get a cup of coffee at 12:38 in the morning. In all of your years of knowing him, and everything that you two had been through together in the past, you had never seen him quite this hopeless. And even though your past with him and all of the hurt bounced around in your head and rang in your ears, you walked with him anyway.


	3. i am not fireproof

Then

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jin hadn't always been that way. In fact, he used to be the sunniest person you knew.

You first met Jin when you were both sixteen, through a summertime film camp. He was geekier looking back then; scrawny, small, his hair its natural color and incredibly unruly. He didn't know a single thing about fashion or properly taking care of his skin. He didn't have any friends, and was vastly known as an easy target for bullies.

But, there were more important things than that, and those things, he did have; a witty personality, an amazing sense of humor, and a whole of passion for the things and people he cared about. Those were the things that initially drew you into him. And after a video editing assignment that the two of you were paired up for by chance, a friendship was formed.

You spent the rest of that summer with him. Whenever he had free time, he would show up at your door, a video camera and tripod in hand. The two of you would write film scripts, make home movies, and argue for hours about the best way to edit all the raw clips together. His mom would interrupt now and then, bringing snacks into the office to get you two to step away for the computer for a few moments.

When you weren't editing videos with him, you were riding bikes around the neighborhood. Both of your mothers were overprotective, and the only way either of you were allowed to leave your home street was if you weren't going alone. Therefore, you would always go together. The other kids in the neighborhood would turn up their noses at the sight of you two always together, practically joined at the hip. They assumed things about the dynamics of your relationship, and they made extremely false judgements.

The two of you also studied together, attended Saturday school together, and helped each other learn that summer. Jin tutored you in math, and you tutored him in art. He would always cheer you on, offer you smiles and sometimes pieces of candy when you answer questions correctly.

You both had to endure rude comments and teasing from fellow classmates. You had to endure cruel jokes about how you were in love with the ugliest boy in school. He had to endure bullying about how he was out of your league.

But, there was one particular instance of bullying that you would always distinctly remember.

One hot Saturday afternoon, you and Jin were riding your bikes home from school when a local bully threw an entire Big-Gulp cup of Mountain Dew on Jin. The soda drenched his new shirt that he had just paid for himself, staining what was once the bright white color. You were furious, blood-boiling as you wanted to begin yelling at the cruel kid who had treated him this way, but he was already running off down the sidewalk, out of view.

Jin cried for the first time in front of you that day. You hugged him on the sidewalk as other students passed by, both of your bikes in sprawled out on the ground and in the way of everyone else. You reminded him that everything was going to be okay, and that you'd always be there for him. And then you took him to your house, let him borrow one of your dad's old T-shirts even though it was far too big, and watched movies with him for the rest of the day.

You both had to make sacrifices to be friends with each other back then, but no sacrifice was too great. In that one summer, he became the best friend you ever had.

Too bad things didn't stay that way forever.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now

You

The two of you began walking in silence next to one another, heading for the 24-hour coffee house. You were hesitant to speak, to initiate any conversation out of fear that it would upset him. You weren't sure what the right words to say were, so you figured it was best to not say anything at all.

Your phone rang in your pocket, causing Jin to look over at you, "Who is it?"

"It's Jimin," you answered before accepting the call, feeling grateful that the rain somehow hadn't destroyed your phone.

"Jin's not on fifth street," Jimin said on the other end of the line, his voice sounding tired and heavy.

"I know, he's with me. He's okay," you reassured Jimin while glancing back over at Jin, his expression unreadable.

Jimin sighed out of relief, "Are you bringing him back now?"

"Not yet."

"Why not?"

"He just needs a little bit of time, okay? Don't worry, I'm staying with him."

"Okay," you could hear the reluctance in Jimin's voice.

"I'll be in touch, all right? Bye."

"Bye."

Jin sighed then, looking down at his feet as he walked, "I suppose he's still worried."

"Rightfully so," you allowed gently, locking your phone, and putting it back in your pocket.

Jin pursed his lips, nodding slightly without saying anything more. You remained quiet for the remainder of the walk.

"I've never been here before," Jin said as the two of you approached the coffee shop. His voice didn't offer any intonation or emotion, "It's nice."

You opened the door for him, allowing him to walk inside first before you followed. Immediately you were overcome with warm air, and you felt relief. All that rain and wind had chilled you to the bone, and you figured it was cause enough to give both of you a bad cold. Rain water was dripping from your clothes, and running all the over floor.

"You still drink your coffee black with two sugars?" you asked. There had once been a time when his coffee order, or anything else for that matter, wouldn't have been questioned by you. But, there had been so much distance, so much division...There were a lot of things that you were no longer sure about anymore.

"Yep."

"Okay. Grab us a seat?"

Jin nodded, going over to sit at a table near one of the windows, drizzle beginning to build back up to full-on rain outside. The overall vibe of the coffee shop was very calm; string lights on the ceiling, a few sets of wooden tables and chairs, and on the far wall, a bunch of bookshelves complemented by a reading nook.

"Hi Deloris. Two black coffees with two sugars in each. Put it on my tab, please? I left my wallet at home," you ordered the coffee from the older woman, and she smiled, nodding. You had spent so much time here during the past few years that you'd grown rather close with Deloris, and she had become invested in your life.

"Who's the boy?" she gave you a bit of a grin as she picked up two mugs to fill with coffee.

"That's Seokjin," you replied in a hushed tone, looking over your shoulder at where he was sitting. His attention was seemingly focused on the raindrops rolling down the window.

"That's Seokjin? Your friend should be a model," she chuckled, passing the coffee cups over the counter.

"He is one," you grimaced slightly before thanking Deloris for the coffees, and taking them to the table. You placed Jin's coffee in front of him before sitting down as well.

"Thanks," he barely looked up at you. You watched as his frail hands wrapped themselves around the cup of coffee, and you sighed quietly out of sadness.

You took a sip, the hot coffee slightly burning your throat. Jin did the same, his expression remained blank and free of any kind of emotion. It almost seemed like the sobbing Jin that you were holding just a mere twenty minutes ago no longer existed. Or that he never existed.

Your phone went off.

"Who's that?" Jin asked from behind his mug of coffee, emotion resurfacing for the first time in a while. He sounded worried.

"It's um..." you pulled it out of your pocket, seeing that it was a text from Yoongi.

From Min Yoongi: please tell jin that he can come home. and that i'm sorry.

You considered lying to Jin for a moment out of fear that the mention of Yoongi was going to upset him all over again, but an unidentifiable emotion compelled you not to. "It's Yoongi."

Jin sighed then, looking down at his drink. "What? Is he thanking you for keeping me away from him?" His words didn't carry any attitude. He really seemed like he meant what he was saying.

"Actually, it's just the opposite of that."

Jin looked up at you then, eyes questioning. "What?"

"He wants me to tell you that you can come home. And that he's sorry."

"He just feels guilty. He's not sorry," Jin scoffed, taking another drink.

You allowed a few more moments of silence to pass before deciding to speak again, and to push Jin a little farther. You were desperate to find out exactly where his head was at, that way you and the others could figure out the best way to help him.

"Why are you so afraid to go back to the dorms?"

He seemed to hesitate for a moment before he lifted his eyes back up at you.

"I'm scared to face them all. I don't want to."

"Why? They love you."

"I'm not so sure about that anymore."

You furrowed your eyebrows, confused. "And why is that? Why have you changed so much?"

"After everything that has happened, you're surprised that I'm different now?" he looked you dead in the eye then, his voice low and serious. 

You couldn't manage a decent reply. 

Jin bit his lip and set his coffee cup down. "Let's just not have this conversation."

"But-" you began to argue, but he shook his head firmly.

"What's the point of doing all of this? Of you trying to help me, of me trying to sort out all my problems? We both know that you just feel sorry for me; this isn't real love or genuine caring. I lost the right to have those things from you the second I did what I did two years ago. And now, it just hurts. It hurts to sit there and look at you when you have all that sadness in your eyes. It hurts because it's my fault...But, maybe that's what I deserve, a little pain after everything I did..." He trailed off then, and you were still left without any words to say. 

"I'm not your responsibility anymore, Y/N. It's no longer your job to pick me up and dust me off when I fall down. So, don't concern yourself with me, okay? I'm only going to waste more of your time. And you don't deserve that," He pushed away from the table then, rising to his feet. "Thanks for the coffee."


	4. caring

then

Jin kissed you for the first time the following summer after the two of you met, in your backyard. It had been dark outside; you and Jin were laying in the soft tufts of green summer grass, stargazing at the abnormally clear sky. Jin's arm was resting outward, allowing you to use it as a cushion to support your head.

You were both 17 by then, your friendship with him strong and practically unbreakable after the past year spent together. The relationship wasn't hindered by schoolwork, bullying, stress, or busy schedules. In fact, those trials that came along with the new school year had done the opposite of that; it had made the two of you closer. You had to lean on one another for support. You were each other's best friend, and the only friend each other had.

It was a typical occurence to stay on the phone with one another for hours, even if you weren't actually speaking. He would leave it on speaker at his desk as he solved math problems, as you read for English class. You might say a few things every once in a while, encouraging words spoken quietly through tired lips, Jin easily reciprocating until somebody fell asleep first.

You sat at a table alone with him during lunch time, other students finding how intimate and close the friendship was uncomfortable and weird. It should've been lonely, but it wasn't. You weren't lonely. He wasn't lonely. You two were simply alone together.

And at first, you didn't even notice when your feelings started to shift. It took you a long time to consider the possibility that maybe you felt so strongly about him, not only because he was your friend. Perhaps there was more under the surface...It just took you a while to figure that out. Being beside him was as easy as breathing, and you were used to the intensity of his stare, the feeling of his arms around you, the sound of his laughter...

Fortunately, Jin felt the exact same way. There was more to your relationship than just a friendship, but neither one of you were saying it. Until that one, unreasonably cool summer night.

"Jin."

"Yeah?"

"What are we?"

He was silent for a moment before turning his head, meeting your eyes then. "What do you mean?"

"I mean...What am I to you?" You weren't sure where the courage to ask those questions initially came from. All you knew was that you couldn't bite your tongue and hold them back any longer.

"You're my best friend," Jin answered the question simply, without hesitation. The answer was about what you expected, but not what you wanted. So, you pressed, wondering if maybe you had been wrong about the assumptions you had made of his feelings. You started the conversation now, and you couldn't just let it go now that you were unsure.

"But...is that all I am to you?"

His demeanor changed then, slightly more serious that it had been before. "You're everything to me, Y/N," he murmured, "You should already know that by now."

You were stunned by that statement at the time, simply because it was probably the most intense thing anyone had ever said to you. You were relieved too, satisfied by the raw honesty in his answer, and the speed at which he had replied.

"I-I guess I was just curious...And maybe a little insecure too," you admitted a bit shyly, likely blushing.

"You shouldn't be insecure with me..." He seemed uneasy at that. "Have I ever given you a reason to be?"

"No, not at all...It was just my own overthinking that got in the way," you reassured him, smiling slightly.

He nodded at that, a shaky breath taken in before he spoke again. "You know I love you, right?"

"Of course, you're my best friend," you played dumb, hoping he would clarify and the truth would finally be completely out in the open.

"I think we both know what I really mean when I say I love you," Jin's voice was low and soft, the sentence causing you to gulp. He shifted then, carefully sitting up and pulling you along with him.

"I love you, too, Jin," you whispered, "And I think we both know what I really mean when I say that."

He smiled then, a hand on your cheek as he caressed it gently. "Does that mean I can kiss you now?" 

"I thought you were never going to ask."

And so Jin leaned in, both hands on gently on your face as he hesitantly pressed his warm lips to yours, seemingly not completely sure of his actions at first. He was a bit unconfident at first, and so were you. He was your first kiss, and you were his. 

But it only took a few short moments of being that close to one another before it became overwhelming comfortable, your lips and his slowly and easily working together without anymore hesitation. It was careful, sweet, and honestly, innocent. 

It was a night that you knew you were never going to forget, and that remained true, even all of those years later....

/////

now

He didn't know you had followed him, and that you were still following him. And if he did, he was allowing it to happen without turning around and lashing out all over again. Perhaps that was what he wanted to happen; maybe he wanted you to follow him, to watch out for him, but he didn't have the strength to ask for it. You weren't completely sure. But regardless, you were following him home. 

His words had left you momentarily shocked and stunned in that coffee shop, but recovery and realization to reality came fast. If you had simply let him leave without knowing whether or not he was actually going to make it home, you wouldn't have been able to feel okay again. If something happened to him, you would always feel guilty about it. So, despite the cold sting of his words, you followed. 

You hadn't realized the degree in which the way you two had separated had affected him. For a long time, you were bitter and angry about the things he said and did, and you honestly assumed that he wasn't broken up about it all. You wrongly assumed that he was completely fine.

It wasn't until the first controvery blew up about Jin and his bad behavior that you started to wonder again...And now the truth was clear...He was incredibly far from being okay. 

You walked slowly behind him, twenty feet or so. His shoulders were slumped, his head trained on the ground, and his hands stuffed in his pockets. It wasn't like you had never seen Jin look sad before, but something about seeing him look sad in this context was hard for you to watch. Given the past with him, you knew how detrimental his thinking could become when he didn't have anyone to talk him down and out of it. You knew how out of control his thoughts could get. And once upon a time, you knew exactly the right words to say, and exactly the right motions to take to help relieve him of that. And that's what made the entire thing even sadder. 

Because when you looked at him now...You only saw the shell of the person he used to be. 

He was turning into someone you could no longer recognize.

And that hurt. 

To your surprise, Jin actually made his way back to the dorms, and in a rather timely manner as well. For whatever reason, you weren't satisfied with just watching him go inside. You wanted to speak with Jimin so you could two could share your concerns, and maybe split some of the burden that was Jin. You figured it'd probably be best to wait a little bit, to only enter the dorms after Jimin could let you know that Jin had disappeared off into his room or something. But, that's not how the events ended up playing out.

"I know you're here, so just come inside," Jin sighed without turning around, unlocking the door and leaving it wide open behind him as he entered and stopped briefly to remove his shoes.

You followed, satisfied that your previous hypothesis about him truly wanting you to come after him had been practically proven as truth. You removed your shoes at the door, your socks uncomfortably cold and wet as the rain had seeped into your shoes. 

"Jin-Hyung is home!" that was Jungkook, you saw, exclaiming from the living as you turned the corner, following Jin inside. 

"Oh! Y/N's here too," that was Taehyung, appearing from the opposite doorway that lead to one set of bedrooms. 

"We've been worried sick," Yoongi crossed his arms, entering the room and sitting down on the couch, Namjoon and Hoseok trailing close behind. "Jimin's been a wreck in his room ever since he got back from trying to find you." Yoongi's eyes were narrowing at Jin, and you felt defensive immediately. Now was absolutely not the time for them to be getting on his case. He needed a hot shower, some water, and a whole lot of rest before he'd be in the right mindset to have a rational conversation. 

"I thought you said you weren't going to lecture me if I came home," Jin said flatly, removing his black sweater from his head, revealing his sickly pale skin and a body shape that was considerdably skinnier than you remembered. You almost felt the need to look away. "Somebody give Y/N some dry clothes, and give her a place to sleep," he murmured before disappearing off down the hall, the sound of a door slamming shut trailing close behind. 

"I can't believe him! He's been out all night with all of us worried sick, and that's how he acts as soon as he walks in the door-" Yoongi began to rant, but you cut him off. 

"I understand why you're frustrated, but don't bother him right now. He's...He's struggling a lot more than I thought was possible, and he's convinced none of you care about what happens to him. So, you're going to have to bite your tongue and start telling him that you love him before something really bad happens," you snapped, hoping to make your point clear and understood. 

To that, none of the boys replied. They simply nodded, and Yoongi excused himself. You figured your words had made him mad, and that you weren't going to see him again for the rest of the night. But, he returned just moments later, sweatpants and a sweater in hand. "Thanks for bringing him home," Yoongi said quietly, handing you his clothes before leaving again. 

"You can have my bed for the night. Thanks for coming when we called," Namjoon seemed weary and tired, but yet grateful all at the same time. 

"I love him just as much as you guys do. I'll do what I can do to help him," you promised. Namjoon thanked you again before excusing himself to the studio, claiming that now he had far too much on his mind to have any hope of sleep. 

One by one, the boys offered you something and thanked you for everything you had done to help. Jungkook gave you his phone charger, Taehyung gave you his best pair of Gucci socks, and Hoseok brought you a cup of hot decaf tea, claiming he was worried about how cold you probably were. You were overwhelmed with their love and grace that night, and your fears about Jin started to feel a little smaller. 

Because you were too attatched now. With their help, you felt confident Jin could be redeemed again. And you were set on doing everything in your power and in the life that you had left to make that happen.


	5. sadderdaze

then

After the summer night in which Jin had laid his lips upon yours for the very first time, you two officially became a couple. He asked you without fear or hesitation then, for you to be his girlfriend, to only have eyes for him. This was something easy for you to agree to. And no one at the school was surprised to find out that he was now your boyfriend, and you were now his girlfriend. In fact, most people were more surprised to find out that you had just now officially became a couple, and that you hadn't been for all those other months.

So, for the most part, nothing changed. The only major difference was that he wasn't shy about hugging or kissing you or holding your hand whenever he felt like it. And he would do it in public, blatantly in front of other people without thinking twice about it. You had scolded him once, unsure if being that openly touchy toward each other in public was really the best idea. But, he had shrugged off your concerns saying, "I love you, and I don't care who else knows it or sees it."

To that, you couldn't find much of an argument, so you eventually got used to being one-half of the worst couple in school for PDA. It wasn't like you had eyes for anyone else besides him anyway, so the hushed comments and harsh mutters in the hallway never got to you. You only cared what Kim Seokjin thought of you, and fortunately, he thought highly.

For the most part, it was smooth sailing all the way until graduation. Of course, no relationship is perfect and every couple inevitably has their issues no matter how much they love each other, but yours with Jin were minimal. There were sporadic disagreements, arguments, and rarely, full-fledged fights. But because you'd already been close friends with him for so long, solving those problems wasn't exactly new territory, and they didn't take much time at all. With every fight, you understood each other better, which ultimately only brought you closer together.

Back then, it appeared that nothing was ever going to get in between the bond you had with him. That wasn't only how each of you felt, but everyone around you. Everyone knew that you and Jin were inseparable and that it would take something major to interrupt that. You had been certain that Jin was your forever, and he was certain that you were his.

Perhaps you were both too confident.

/////

now

You knocked softly on Jimin's door, Yoongi's clothes still in your hand as you were too anxious to wait any longer to speak with the younger boy. Your entire body was tired and aching, your clothes were damp and sticking to you, and even though you hadn't bothered to look, you were certain you had scrapes on your arms from when you fell on the ground with Jin.

You felt slightly guilty at the fact you were neglecting your health so much, given your circumstances. But you shoved those feelings down, knowing that you had done the right thing by going out tonight.

"Go away, Namjoon-Hyung. I said I don't want to talk about it," Jimin called out through the closed door.

"It's me," you replied, a few seconds of silence passing before you heard the lock on the door click.

"N-Noona, y-you're here," Jimin's eyes were wide, grabbing your wrist and pulling you into the room before shutting the door again. His room was filled with soft lighting, only the lamps were turned on. It was meticulously clean, and you wondered if he had been tidying it to push his bad thoughts away and pass the time.

"Is Jin-Hyung okay? Tell me the truth." He was obviously panic-stricken, but you were at a loss as to why.

"You called me before. I told you he was fine."

"You all have a history of sugar-coating the truth because you think I can't handle it," Jimin said lowly, his eyes dark and tired looking.

You sighed, shifting your weight over to your other leg, trying to ignore the painful aching that was consuming your body. You couldn't argue with Jimin because he was right. However, this time you hadn't lied to him. "He's here now; I think he went to bed."

Jimin waited for a further explanation, impatiently fidgeting as he did so.

"H-He's got a lot of things he needs to deal with, and I think he's just been feeling like he's all alone lately," you explained, trying to help him understand.

Jimin looked down in an attempt to hide his face from you, but you had already noticed his eyes welling up with hot tears. "B-But we're all here...He's the one who's isolating himself..."

Your eyes softened then, feeling compassion for the younger boy whom you knew cared so much about Jin. "Don't blame him too much, okay? He's got a lot of problems, and we all just have to try our best to help him solve them..."

Jimin looked back up, tears overwhelming his cheeks now. "You'd come back into his life, all of our lives that easily? Just like that? After everything?"

You took a moment to consider this question. You hesitated on your response, unsure of how much to reveal to Jimin...Unsure if you should reveal anything at all about the truth...

"You don't owe him anything, Y/N...The rest of us would understand if you walked out that door and never came back. I'm sorry for calling you in the first place and getting you involved with him again," he sniffled, wiping the tears off his face.

"Don't apologize, I know you had no one else to call. And I'll always be involved with Jin, whether I want to be or not. We can't change the past, and we can't erase our history...There's no point in acting like it doesn't exist," you reassured him.

Jimin nodded as his eyes left yours. "Y/N."

"Yeah?"

"I think you're bleeding," he murmured, carefully grabbing your arm to examine the wound. "Sit, I'll go get a band-aid."

"My clothes are still wet, I don't want to ruin your comforter," you protested, shaking away from Jimin's hold.

"Change while I'm gone," he left the room then, securing the door closed behind him. You sighed as you began to remove the clingy and annoyingly uncomfortable clothes, grateful again that Yoongi had given you some of his pajamas. You took a few empty hangers from Jimin's closet to hang up the ones wet from the rain before they began to sour.

Like his room, his closet was extremely neat and organized. This furthered your hypothesis that Jimin had developed a nervous tick, determined to keep things in order as a coping mechanism to deal with stress. He hadn't always been this way.

"Can I come back in?" Jimin called through the door, and you gave him permission to do so now that you were dressed.

"Sit," he muttered, his eyes still red and tired looking from all the crying and worrying. You didn't argue with him this time. You sat on the edge of his neatly made bed, wondering for a short moment if the wrinkle that was now in the black duvet would bother him.

But, he didn't say anything else. He sat beside you and gently grabbed your arm before carefully running a clean and slightly damp washcloth over the wound to clean it. He reached for the antibacterial ointment after doing so. Part of you wanted to tell him to stop, to offer to do it yourself. But, you didn't. Truth was, it'd been a long time since someone had simply taken care of you like that. And you appreciated the gesture more than he would ever know.

"How did this happen?" he murmured, smoothing the band-aid on.

You looked down, "I had to pull Jin down off a ledge. He sorta tumbled on top of me on the sidewalk."

"Does it hurt?" he asked, skating around your reply without a comment.

"A little, but I'm fine."

"I'm assuming you're sleeping here tonight? It must be after one already," Jimin glanced over at the clock above his desk. He stood then and released his gentle hold on you, cleaning up the supplies.

"Yeah, Namjoon said I could have his bed. He went back to the studio."

"Taehyung shares a room with him, and he snores. You can stay in here and I'll sleep in there," Jimin's voice was still low.

"That's okay, I don't really mind-"

"I just want you to get a good night of rest, okay? I'm trying to take care of you, Y/N," Jimin pressed, sighing while doing so. To that, you didn't feel compelled to keep arguing. So, you agreed.

"Thank you."

He nodded, "I guess I'll see you in the morning then." He turned, about to walk out the bedroom door before you managed to catch his arm. His eyes met yours, wide and expectant. You hesitated on your words for a moment, not wanting to provide him with any kind of false hope.

"I know things are bad right now, but please don't give up on him, Jimin. Take care of yourself, and urge your brothers to do the same. I know all of you are worried and angry with him, but that's not going to get us anywhere. And as always, I'm here for you, too," your voice was near breaking by the final sentence, and you mentally tried to force the tears back. It was like all the emotion of everything that was happening had finally hit you all at once, and the barriers you had put up within your mind were tumbling down. This was happening. This was real. And it hurt.

"I got you," was all he said once he had pulled you into the warmth of his arms. You couldn't hold back the tears then, the comfort of Jimin holding you like that making all your previous reserve dissipate. His presence was always one that you had found comforting, even while you were and Jin were together. He was always quietly looking after you, helping you when Jin couldn't. He'd been the only one to continually check on after you and Jin were separated. So, having him in that moment was exactly what you needed.

He adjusted his arms around you, his chin resting on top of your head. You had the excess fabric of his sweater in your hand, holding onto him tightly, your face in his chest as you continued to cry. "It's gonna change. We're all gonna change," he whispered, "And then we'll all be okay again."

"And then we'll all be okay again..."


	6. neither of us planned it

Jimin

He ended up staying up with you for a while. He couldn’t just leave the night before, not after seeing you as upset as you were. So, he took it upon himself to stay awake until you felt better. He told you jokes, funny stories about tour, and showed you some of his favorite pictures from abroad to help you disconnect and take your mind off things. It seemed to work, and you ended up falling asleep in the middle of your sentence. He covered you with a blanket to ensure you wouldn’t wake up cold, and then left for Taehyung and Namjoon’s room.

All of the while he was working to make you feel better, he felt himself fighting a flush of emotions that hadn’t resurfaced in a long time. They nagged at him as he laid in Namjoon’s ridiculously untidy bed that was full of crumbs and scratchy sheets.

He felt anger toward Jin, not so much because of his behavior anymore, but because he was the reason you were so distraught.

He felt regret for not reaching out to check on you more often than he did.

He felt an overwhelming wave of love for you, a love he had worked so hard to hold back and ignore for the sake of his older brother. If he was honest, he had loved you for a long time. When he first joined Bangtan, you were a comforting presence that was always around. You were someone to count on. Sure, the reason you stuck around was to support Jin, but you always helped the other boys as well. When they were feeling discouraged and hopeless about a dream that seemed impossible, you would encourage them, and remind them of why they were going through all of the pain in the first place.

Jimin was young then, but he wasn’t clueless. So as his feelings for you developed and grew stronger over time, he knew better than to act on them. He knew better than to speak up about them, to tell anybody. It was a heavy secret to carry around in his heart. He was forced to see you and Jin together constantly, kissing and hugging and only having eyes for each other.

Jimin wanted to hate Jin because he coveted having you. He wanted to resent Jin for making him feel that way. But, he couldn’t. From the moment you were introduced to the group, you were Jin’s and everyone else knew it. It wasn’t fair for Jimin to be so angry that you didn’t long to him, but to his brother. So he spent years forcing it all down, ignoring it, pushing it away. He managed as best he could.

But then, Jin messed up and broke you.

And even though Jimin was the one there to pick up your shattered pieces, you still didn’t realize the truth. Your eyes remained on Jin even though he had carelessly left you behind, Jimin’s arms the only thing keeping you from shaking apart.

/////

Jin

He woke the next morning to rain that had yet to cease, still coming down in sheets against the window. It took him several moments of disorientation to come to the realization that the events of last night were real, and that somewhere with the house you were sleeping.

He sat up and stretched, making his way to the bathroom. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt shocked by the reflection that showed in the mirror. His face looked haggard, his skin pale and uneven. His lips looked thin and his hair was dirty. He sighed, hating the face that stared back at him and hating even more than you had seen it.

He felt strange, unsure of the steps to take next. He’d been treated with such kindness and compassion last night, two things he definitely did not deserve from you. He felt more insecure and uncomfortable than ever, the thoughts all coming back and weighing on him. He felt he was only wasting your time, imposing on your life. You were too stubborn to back away from him, though. He regretted everything, but he especially regretted last night. He wasn’t thinking clearly, and now you were back and stuck to him again.

He’d been incredibly upset following his nasty fight with Yoongi that had lead him to the bridge in the first place. His words had been harsh to his brother, and his brother’s words were harsh back. He’d been so numb to everything lately, but for some reason, Yoongi’s words rooted themselves deeply within Jin’s heart. They hurt him.

“Look at this garbage!” Yoongi angrily threw the magazine down in Jin’s lap. “Again? You couldn’t stay out of trouble for even a few days?!”

“Leave me alone,” Jin pushed the magazine aside, his tired looking face on the cover.

“You don’t get to have the luxury of being left alone. Your lashing out is hurting us all, don’t you get that?! You are not an island, Jin. Every reporter you cuss out, every concert you bail on, every fan that you diss affects us too! You’re not stupid. There’s no way you don’t understand the concepts of accountability and liability,” Yoongi’s face was visibly hot with anger.

“I don’t care,” Jin said flatly, rising from his spot on the couch.

“You don’t care? Are you serious?!”

“I don’t care about anything anymore.”

“Well, that’s too bad. If you don’t care anymore, that’s your own problem. But, you signed a contract. You made a deal, and you made promises to us all. If your heart isn’t in it anymore, then you should fake it. You should at least pretend for the rest of our sake instead of deliberately trying to drag us own with you!”

“I’m not trying to drag you all down with me. I’m not trying to do anything,” Jin said, more irritated by Yoongi’s words than angry at that point.

“But that’s exactly what you’re doing! You’re dragging us down and you know it too. It’s a miracle that we haven’t gotten all of our sponsorships pulled because of your reckless attitude. And Bang PD isn’t going to deal with this for much longer. The only reason he hasn’t kicked you out of Bangtan altogether is because he’s trying to protect the rest of our images.”

“Maybe he should fire me. I don’t really care.”

“I can’t believe you right now! After everything we’ve been through together, is this really how you’re going to let it all end? Are you really going to throw everything away because of her? Because of what you did to her? You messed up and you lost her! Stop wallowing in it and move on!”

“She was the only thing I ever cared about and this job is what caused me to lose her!”

“The job didn’t cause anything to happen. It’s your fault, Jin. It has always been and always will be your fault. Don’t stand there and try to lie about what actually happened!”

“Stop! You don’t have any idea what I went through when I lost her!”

“No idea? Seriously? I have no idea?! Who do you think repeatedly made excuses to Bang PD for you? Who do you think apologized to the fans about your absence so you could maintain your image and popularity? Who’s the one that literally wiped the tears from your face and helped get you out of bed every morning because you were so depressed?! Me! Namjoon! Hoseok! Every single member of Bangtan tried to pick you up and help you sort it out but you kept pushing us away, so eventually, we all just stopped trying.”

“Yoongi-“

“It is your fault you lost her, Jin. Stop blaming everyone else for your mistakes!”

“You really think things would’ve ended the same way if I wasn’t in Bangtan?!” Jin was furious then, a spark of something dangerous suddenly ignited within him.

“Yes, it would’ve ended the same way. If it hadn’t been this it would’ve been something else. You’re selfish, and you use people.”

“Yoongi, I’m warning you. Stop.”

“Why should I? You haven’t stopped acting out for over a year now. You can’t take what you dish out? Huh?!”

“Stop talking because I really don’t want to hit you.”

“Go on! Do it! Hit me! Bruise up my face and then blame everyone else for your actions like you always do!”

Jin left the bathroom after brushing his teeth, trying to shake the memories of the fight out of his head. He was hesitant to leave his bedroom, unsure of what would be waiting for him outside. It was a Sunday, and he knew that Bangtan had nothing scheduled. It was likely that all of the members were still at home, taking advantage of the day off. Jin felt another wave of guilt for keeping them all up and worrying for half the night. After months and months of not really feeling anything at all, he was suddenly overwhelmed again. Whether it was yours or Yoongi’s words that got to him was unclear.

All he knew was that he was feeling everything again, and all at once.


	7. the resistance

jimin 

Jimin sat across from you at the kitchen's wooden table around nine the next morning. You were drinking the cup of coffee he had made for you while looking at you pone, trying to decide which breakfast place you wanted to go to. So far it seemed that the other members were still in bed, with the exception of Namjoon, who didn't come home from the studio last night. 

"We need to stop by my place on the way so I can get some money and a change of clothes," you yawned, setting your phone down. 

"I can understand needing an outfit that isn't made up of Yoongi's old sweats but don't worry about getting money."

"Yoongi's old sweats are probably worth a couple of thousand dollars on eBay, so I'm pretty much dressed like royalty right now," you grinned, "And no, you're not going to pay for me. I'll take care of it."

Jimin didn't argue again for now, simply so that he wouldn't upset you. However, he was bent on taking care of you, and that included picking up the tab on meals. You weren't poor, but you were still in school and trying to pay off student loans. He wanted to help in whatever way he could manage. "Are you ready to go?" 

"Yeah," you stood from the chair, pausing for a moment after doing so. 

"What is it?"

"I'd really love to spend some time alone with you, Jimin. But..."

He already felt his heart sinking before you finished the sentence, guessing where your thoughts were going. 

"I think we should try and bring Jin with us."

"Oh...D-Do you think he would?" Jimin was unsure and uneasy by the idea. He'd been so estranged from Jin lately, so much so that they hadn't even had a meal together in at least a few months. And now, Jimin was undeniably angry with his older brother, despite your pleas to defend him. Why should Jimin have to continue resisting his feelings for you? Jin lost you, and that was his fault. Why should Jimin still have to protect him?

"I'll probably have to force him into it," you admitted, biting your lip as you considered how to approach the situation. 

"What good does it do to force him into anything?"

"It makes him see that we're trying and that we still care. He has to start feeling comfortable around all of us again before he'll ever be vulnerable enough to talk about what happened. I can't fully forgive him and he can't move on until that happens. And you know how I hate things being left open-ended," you explained, momentarily turning back to put your empty mug in the sink. 

Jimin understood your point, but he was so frustrated he felt the need to keep pressing. "I know you hate leaving things in a bad light...So, why did you wait so long to come here and try to sort it out?"

"Because I believed he would come back to me eventually, begging for forgiveness. So, the anger only grew as I waited and he didn't do what I expected him to. I guess I was planning on being mad forever until I got your phone call last night. Finding him... seeing how much of a mess he's become... I can't in good conscious not at least try to resolve things. Otherwise, I'm always going to feel like it was my fault his life got ruined..." You trailed off, avoiding eye contact now as your demeanor changed. Jimin looked down too, feeling bad that he had made you dig into all of your emotions first thing in the morning. 

"Regardless of what happens, you need to understand that none of this was your fault," Jimin allowed his words to be a bit sharper than usual, furious that Jin had made you feel this way. 

"But, in a way, it is my-"

"No, it isn't." 

Your eyes met with his then, neither of you saying anything more.

"I'll go see if Jin's awake," he said reluctantly, turning and leaving to yet again put your feelings before his own. 

 

you

 

Jin had stumbled into the kitchen before Jimin made into the hallway. To your surprise, he looked relatively well-rested. 

"Go get a jacket, Jin. We're going out today," You said, Jimin making his way back over to stand beside you. 

Jin looked up and blinked, almost like he was trying to confirm that you were actually standing there.

"What?"

"Get a jacket. We're going out," you repeated yourself even though you knew he heard you perfectly well the first time. Even though it was gross outside and last night had gone on for far too long, today was a new day. It was the first day of operation "Make Jin Stop Hating Himself and Everyone Else." He was on a path of destruction, and now that you were acutely aware of it, you couldn't turn a blind eye anymore. He was going to push back, argue with you, and generally be resistant. But, you weren't going to let him win. Not without a fight. 

"What's your angle here?" His words had an edge to them. 

"No angle. Get a jacket and then we're going to go out for breakfast."

He stared at you for a moment, his eyes somewhat apologetic-looking. "You don't have to do this. Don't waste another day on me."

"Stop arguing with me. Go get dressed," you crossed your arms, making it clear you weren't leaving the kitchen until he did as he was told. Talking to Jin these days was like talking to an angry brick wall, but that wasn't going to stop you. Sure, he may be an annoying, angry brick wall, but you were going to continually chip away at that wall until you recognized him again. 

"Okay." He agreed, much to both yours and Jimin's surprise. You were expecting to have to stand there and argue for far longer. He disappeared into his bedroom for a few moments before returning with a black hoodie to go with his black jeans. 

"You have a pretty unhappy color scheme going there. Were you aiming for emo teenager or bank robber?" You teased him, and you could've sworn you saw a hint of a smile tug at his lips. 

"I have an unhappy color scheme going because I'm not a very happy person," he argued before turning his direction to Jimin, "Do you have a facemask on you?"

"Yes."

"Y/N, you'll need one too," Jin said, tossing the one he was holding over to you.

You took the facemask from him, "I know I'm supposed to wear one of these, I was your girlfriend for like five years you know-" You stopped midsentence, silently cursing yourself for mentioning the dark and the obvious.

"Do you want some of my clothes?" He offered, ignoring what you had just said. "You're going to be cold just wearing those sweats." You were nearly taken aback by the sudden reappearance of his protective nature of you. Those words would've never shaken you before as you were used to him treating you that way. But, after the yelling and screaming and crying last night...The soft offer moved you in a way you couldn't help.

"No, that's okay. We're going to stop by my place anyway," you said quietly, tossing a glance to Jimin who was looking down at his feet. 

"You should take one of our jackets at least," Jimin spoke up, unexpectedly reaching out and smoothing your hair. "It was sticking up on the top," he muttered a quiet expectation as his hand lingered for a moment before falling, cheeks blushing ever so slightly. 

Jin cleared his throat, "I'll get you one."

"I'm surprised he agreed so easily," you muttered under your breath, turning toward Jimin. "I hope this is a good sign."

"I hope so, too," he replied, his mouth smiling, but his eyes looking dull. Something was off with him, you just couldn't figure out what.

"Are you okay?" you asked him, but Jin had already returned before Jimin had the chance to answer. 

"Thanks," you nodded, putting the jacket on as the other boys still there silently. The mood was undeniably uncomfortable now. Now, you were really seeing how much distance was between them. Things were so different now, and not in a good way.

"Are you guys ready to leave?"

They both nodded, slipping their facemasks on.

And so you led two estranged brothers from the privacy of their broken home, out into the damp, cold streets of Seoul, hoping for some kind of miracle.


	8. no need to fear

then   
jin

 

During the second semester of your Senior year of high school, you came down with Mono for three whole weeks. You blamed it on Jin since he kissed you all the time, and you were convinced that he must've somehow passed it onto you even though his lips never touched anyone else's but yours.

Regardless, he came over and visited you every day after school bringing your homework and his notes from class. He was concerned about you getting behind in your schoolwork, especially considering that it was your final year of high school; a pivotal time.

"I'm dying to kiss you," he'd complain as he carefully handed over his backpack to you without breathing the contagious air around you. "I miss you."

"You kissing me is wat got me stuck in this mess, so you'll just have to deal," you teased him right back.

"I'm not kidding, though. I miss you. I miss being able to hug you whenever I want. And I feel bad that you're so sick right now and I can't do anything to help you," Jin said, clearly being genuine.

"You're here with me right now. That's enough."

/////

"You're what?" Jimin looked like he was about to start crying, right there in the street, which was the absolute opposite of what you wanted to happen.

"Please don't cry, Jimin," was all you could manage to say in the moment.

"A-Are you d-dying?" you could see the wheels turning in his mind as his eyes threatened to be overcome with tears.

"No, I'm not dying. But, I am sick," you clarified, only partially lying. ;

"What's wrong? How are you sick?" he squeezed your hand, but you could tell he was wanting to move closer to you by the way he was looking. You made the move for him, wrapping your arms tightly around his middle. He immediately buried his face in your neck, holding onto you like you were about to wither away.

"I have a brain tumor, but it's not cancerous," you explained, "we need to do surgery on it, but it's dangerous because of the location of the tumor. So, I'm just living with it right now as we explore other options."

He pulled away from your embrace slightly. "So this is why you came back all the sudden, isn't it? You think this is going to kill you, don't you?" Jimin accused you, and even though part of him was right, you weren't ever going to admit that.

"This isn't going to kill me. My doctors are confident...I'm confident."

Jimin didn't reply, he just pulled you back into his arms. "I don't like that you're living alone," he murmured into your hair, "What if something happens to you and there's no one around to help?"

"To be honest...I have worried about that. But it's hard to beat the rent at this place, and I don't have room for a roommate. But don't worry, I've been fine thus far, so I'll probably to continue to be fine," you tried to reassure him, but it didn't seem like it was working. His body felt tensed up, even though he was grazing his fingers over your back in a soothing manner. Jimin was attempting to comfort you, even though he was clearly the one that was distressed; Jimin was being selfless like always.

"You should move in with us," he whispered, his hand smoothing your hair. 

"I can't just move in with you guys," you sighed, allowing yourself to full rest against him. 

"Why not?" he pulled away, and you almost pouted because you had been so comfortable. "There's no reason you can't."

"I give you about 3 reasons I can't do that. One, you all are a bunch of guys, and I would be the female imposter. No, thanks. Two, I don't want to invade anyone's privacy or make anyone uncomfortable. And three, Jin. He wouldn't want me there."

"He would want you there if he knew you were sick. He'd probably change a lot of things if he knew you were sick," Jimin argued. 

"No," you shook your head, "You can't tell him. You can't tell anyone else."

"What? Why not?"

"Because, I don't want them to look at me differently, or to worry, or to wonder if I'm about to fall over and die."

"That's not fair, Y/N. We all love you, and that's not fair of you to ask me to keep this from them."

"It's not your secret to tell, Jimin..." you said, your heart feeling sad. "I really don't want Jin to know. He's already so over the edge, and this is just going to hurt him."

"...He still loves you, you know? If the roles were reversed wouldn't you have wanted him to be honest with you? To be there for you? To put your past aside once and for all?" Jimin's hands were holding yours. He looked pained to say all of those things for some reason. 

"Jin can't use my illness as a reason to change. He needs to come to that conclusion on his own or else he's just going to fall apart again when I-" you stopped abruptly, clamping your mouth shut. You couldn't believe you almost just let that slip out of your mouth. 

"When you what?" Jimin narrowed his eyes at you. "I'm not stupid, you do realize that, right?" 

"Look, Jimin," you sighed, your hands covering your face. 

"You're moving in with us." He said curtly. "That's final."

"Jimin-"

"Stop arguing with me and listen for once. You shouldn't be on your own right now. Pay rent if it makes you feel better. We don't leave for the tour for three months. We'll figure out another solution so you're not by yourself before then, okay?" 

"Okay..." you complied. 

"You look pale. Let's get you back home, and I'll help you get some stuff from your place later," Jimin said, standing from the bench, helping you stand up as well. 

"I'm feeling a little better now. I just get dizzy spells," you reassured him. 

"Still. Better safe than sorry." The two of you started walking down the street, going back the way that you came. 

"But, Jimin?" you said. 

"Yeah?"

"Let me think about telling the others. Let's come up with a lie as to why I'm living with you guys for now, okay?"

"I don't know," he seemed uneasy about lying.

"Please. I need time to process all of this."

"Okay, but it's not permanently...We'll keep it from them just for now."

"Thank you," you felt relief that he finally agreed with you, but you also already felt guilty about being dishonest with the others. 

"You're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this."

You remained silent because there was nothing else for you to say.


	9. grudge

now

jin

He felt regret ringing in his ears as he walked away from you and Jimin. His hurt and pride had gotten the better of him, whisking him away from the opportunity to actually have a decent morning for once. The comment that you had been sleeping in Jimin's bed had rubbed Jin the wrong way even though it shouldn't have; you weren't his anymore and Jin had accepted that.

However, he still found himself walking away from the two of you, not even bothering to wait to turn the corner before getting out his cigarettes and lighter. They helped him cope in a terrible way, and as much as he hated that he'd become a smoker, he couldn't seem to get himself to quit.

He went back to the dorms because he figured that's where you and Jimin would end up after breakfast. He was going to apologize, he decided, and try a little harder to treat you with the kindness you deserved.

He was going to shower and clean himself up.

He was going to try for the first time in a long time.

/////

now

jimin

He could still feel his heartbeat ringing in his ears ten minutes after the conversation had ended and you and he had stopped holding each other.

It didn't matter what you were to say to him, he was still going to be continually worried about you and your health. And the part that kept bothering him so much was the fact that he had absolutely no idea you were ill. He never suspected anything, and he never bothered to ask. That simple fact got under his skin and made him hurt in a way he'd never hurt before.

He hated feeling helpless, unable to take away your pain.

"What are you thinking about?" you asked, saying your first words in a while. The two of you were almost back to the dorms, or Bangtan's house rather.

"You," he answered honestly because he knew you would see through it if he lied.

"Don't worry about me, Jimin."

"That's an impossible request."

He unlocked the door to his home, letting you walk inside before him. He was relieved to take off his facemask and to be out of the view of the public. In hindsight, it was careless of him to sit on the street with you like that, and he was very lucky that nobody had recognized him in the middle of his tears.

Much to both his and your surprise, Jin was sitting on the living room couch, his back faced to the door. Jimin figures Jin would disappear for the day to sulk and smoke, so the sight of him sitting on the couch like that caught Jimin completely off guard.

"Hey, you're home," you said, removing your face mask as well. Jimin took it from you so he could put them away, even though he was weary of leaving you alone with Jin.

"Yeah, I, um, decided my errands could wait," Jin cleared his throat. Jimin continued to listen intently even as he stepped into the next room to put away the masks.

"Look, Y/N, I'm really sorry I skipped out today. That wasn't cool of me," Jin said, and for the first time in a long time, he actually sounded sincere. That surprised Jimin even more.

"It's okay," you said, "But I wish you wouldn't smoke."

"You saw?" he sighed.

"I did. It made me sad," you replied as Jimin stepped back into the living room.

"It's a gross habit, I know...I should quit." He admitted, scratching his head in a somewhat awkward manner.

"Anyway, Jimin I'm sorry to you too. I know I haven't been spending a lot of time around you lately." Jin apologized again. Jimin almost felt like he was getting emotional whiplash between your news and how contradictory Jin was being of himself.

"Are you drunk or something?" Jimin asked before he had time to really think it through.

"Excuse me?" Jin genuinely sounded surprised. "You know I don't drink."

"I don't really know who you are at all anymore," Jimin snapped, a random burst of anger igniting within himself. Maybe he was just feeling overly sensitive because of the news you had just shared with him.

"I know you're upset with me, but-" Jin started before Jimin cut him off.

"You know what? I am upset. And why do you care all of the sudden? You haven't cared for an entire year!" Jimin threw his hands up in frustration.

You were remaining silent, likely trying to let the two of them work it out on their own.

"I'm trying to be better." Jin said in a low voice, one that sounded ashamed.

"Well, you're failing miserably at it. It shouldn't take Y/N showing up to save you in the pouring rain for you to come to your damn senses." Jimin was surprising himself at how outspoken he was being. He knew the rush of emotion wouldn't last, and that he would likely regret all of his words later. But for now, it felt good.

"Jimin-"

"Save it. Words aren't going to fix this. It's going to take a lot more than that to fix this," Jimin said, his face flushed.

Jin simply nodded, trying to mask the hurt that was covering his face.

"Y/N, I just need a minute. I'll be back later, okay?" he said.

"Okay. Be safe."

And then he was gone.

Now  
You

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. I didn't mean to fight with him again," Jin said, his sincerity warming your heart. You were seeing a tiny piece of the Jin you used to know, but you were far from seeing all of him.

"You handled it well, Jimin's just a little fragile right now," you explained, not wanting to Jin to start feeling all bad about himself again. It was nice to see him being calm.

"How was your breakfast?" Jin asked, seemingly wanting to change the subject. You let him.

"We actually didn't make it that far. The uh," you searched for a lie, "The wait at the restaurant was too long."

"Oh. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, a little."

"Let me make you breakfast."

Your stomach growled at the thought of Jin's cooking, something you hadn't had since the two of you broke up.

"You don't have to," you said, even though you really wanted him to.

"I don't mind. Really," he reassured you, so you complied.

"Breakfast would be great."

So you followed the boy you used to know into the kitchen, the hope of sticking all the broken pieces back together rising in your chest.


	10. the shift

Now

Jin 

 

"Have a seat. Do you still like acai bowls?" Jin asked as you sat down at the kitchen table.

"Still my favorite," you confirmed, and he smiled at you. It felt so good to see him smile like that. It almost made you forget all the pain you two had gone through; it almost made you forget that you had ever separated at all.

"I'm on it," he said, turning his back toward where you were sitting so he could begin preparing your meal.

You bit your lip, hesitating for a moment as there was something you wanted to say. You were unsure how to broach the subject, though, and you didn't know when Jin was going to snap back to his dark self again. But, you took a deep breath and started talking anyway.

"I noticed something yesterday," you began slowly.

"Hmm? What's that?" he asked. From what you could see, he was washing strawberries and blueberries.

"When you..." you hesitated again, "When you took off your sweater I noticed...I noticed that you're a lot skinnier than you used to be...Are you taking care of yourself?"

He set the fruit down and dried his hands, momentarily turning back to face you. "To be honest, I've been living off coffee and cigarettes for a year."

His honesty surprised you, but it was something you were grateful for. At least you weren't having to dig the truth out of him.

"Is it because of me?" your voice grew small and quiet. You didn't give yourself time to think about asking that question, you just did it without warning.

"We don't have dig into our past. At least not now. Let's just have a few moments...A few non-hostile moments of...Us," he murmured, turning back around to begin cutting the strawberries. "Regardless, I don't blame you for anything."

"I want you to stop treating yourself so poorly," you said, your voice growing firmer again, "I mean it."

"I wish I could change," he replied quietly, "I really do."

"What's stopping you then?"

"I feel like I don't deserve happiness...After everything that happened." He turned to face you again, his eyes honest and serious. "I feel like as long as you're unhappy, I should be too."

His words were so heavy they stunned you into silence, leaving you unsure of what to say next. You couldn't just tell him that everything he did was okay, but you didn't think he deserved to be condemned to a life of unhappiness. It was obvious he was sorry about everything that happened, and if you were being honest, you weren't sure if you were even that mad anymore. It more just felt like an open wound on your heart, one that caused more hurt than anger.

"Jin..."

"You don't have to say anything," he opened a package of granola to sprinkle on top of the bowl he had already finished assembling.

"You should stop punishing yourself for what happened. We can't change the past, okay? But you can control how you act from now on," you reminded him. He set the bowl down in front of you and passed you a spoon.

"I appreciate you saying that but I just feel like I've done so much damage to my name," he sat down across from you.

"What's broken can be mended. You just have to decide that's what you want," you said through a mouthful of your breakfast, happiness rising in your heart at the good flavors. "Thank you for cooking for me."

Before Jin had a chance to reply, Namjoon was coming through the door, sighing heavily. He took his facemask off and dropped it on the kitchen counter.

"Hey," he said, surprise shining through his tired eyes at the site of you and Jin together.

"Hey, Joon. Tired?" you said in between bites.

"Yeah, I was up all night working on the new track," he went over to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup to drink. "Where are the others?"

"Probably still sleeping," Jin replied.

"Actually," you started, setting your spoon down, "I have something to talk to you guys about...All of you. But let's wait till everyone's awake," you said, curiosity gleaming in both Namjoon's and Jin's eyes.

"Is something wrong?" Jin asked, eyebrows furrowing.

"No," you lied, "Just something I need to talk to you guys about," you shrugged, picking up your spoon to continue eating.

"Well, come wake me up when it's time for your special announcement," Namjoon said, "This coffee isn't gonna be strong enough to keep me awake." He went off to the bedrooms then, leaving you and Jin alone again.

"Eat, Y/N," he murmured. You had stalled your eating for a moment as you considered what you were about to propose to the group of boys. You wanted to wait until Jimin was back. He made you feel more secure for some reason.

"Right," you muttered, beginning to eat your açaí bowl in scoops at a time until it was gone. Jin sat quietly, but the silence wasn't uncomfortable even though it really should've been.

You had helped Jin wash up the dishes that were left over from the day before, and you received a text from Jimin whilst doing so.

jimin: i'm almost home.

you: ok. i need you today. can't tell them i'm moving in by myself.

jimin: don't worry. i got you.

you: as always

jimin: as always.

Jungkook appeared a few moments later, looking half asleep, a hoodie covering him. Gradually, all of the members made their way into the kitchen for a cup of coffee, unsurprised by your looming presence.

It was difficult, but you managed to get everyone sitting down in the living room, biting your nails anxiously as you waited for Jimin to arrive.

"Are we in trouble?" Taehyung yawned, "Were my gucci socks not good enough for you?"

"The socks were amazing, Tae," you reassured him and he gave you a sleepy smile.

Jimin came through the door just in time before anyone else could pry at you with questions about the mysterious meeting.

You stood in front of the couches where the boys sat, Jimin coming up to stand beside you.

You took a deep breath to deliver the news you were so nervous to tell, but were interrupted by Jimin before the words could actually leave your mouth.

"Y/N's moving in with us," he said simply.

"Huh?" That was Jungkook, and you could feel your cheeks heating up in embarrassment at the whole ordeal.

"Yeah, what?" That was Yoongi.

"No offense, Y/N, but what?" that was Namjoon. All their eyes on were on you.

"Y/N's landlord kicked her out for no reason and she can't afford a new place right now. So, I told her she could live here for the time being," Jimin lied so smoothly you just about believed the story yourself.

"I promise I won't be a bother and I'll move out as soon as I possibly can," your voice was small and quiet. You caught sight of Jin who had yet to have a reaction.

"So, you guys aren't gonna put our poor Y/N out on the street are you?" Jimin said, tossing a little guilty on top of his flaming lie.

To that, none of the members had a response.

Jimin clapped his hands together and smiled, "It's settled, then. Welcome home, Y/N."


End file.
